fishpiss

How to Live Like a Kid by Sarah Roe

How to Live Like a Kid
(Or: Guidelines for Making Your Life Rock Way Harder than it does now)
By Sarah Roe
From Vol. 3 No. 1, 2004

Kids are way better than adults. They rock life so bad, sometimes they puke from laughing too hard. When was the last time you did that? Not while you were discussing ‘commitment’ with your boyfriend in Starbucks, that’s for damn sure. Don’t go getting all old and boring when you could be living it up in mad style like a kid. For example, humour: kids are into pretty wicked stuff (poo jokes? hell-o!), while many adults will bust a gut at a well composed pun on RRSP’s, and then say something that will make you want to cry, like “well that was my fun for the week!” But what will be really depressing about it is that they mean it and are totally OK with it…they were just happy to get that one good ‘guffaw’ in before Friday (when they break out the slippers and don’t take them off for the ENTIRE WEEKEND). If biological age was solely a reflection of how we act, some of you would already be at the stage where the first thing you flip to in the newspaper every morning is the Obituaries, to check if “there’s anyone there that I know.” Hopefully it will be comics first after you get some help from the tips below.

1. No retaining stupid information or dropping buzzwords.
Knowing the name of every type of dinosaur and what number corresponds to which bodily function is important (any idiot knows not to go in the bathroom after someone’s done a number two, but how many of you know whether you should be turned-on or getting you ass out of the way when someone’s about to drop a number seven?)
Having proper pronunciation of designer names (esp. that one that looks like fake and bake Barbie), talking about our ‘post-911 world,’ and reciting figures on the growing trend of metrosexuals, now that’s the kind of stuff that’s going to get you beat up.

2. No hating on your looks. It wastes time that could be used for doing fun stuff (causing a ruckus, acting the mickey, tom foolery and general waywardness) and anyways no one wants to hear that crap.
An important lesson: Those days when you look in the mirror and think you look way different then yesterday– way uglier and fatter– you really don’t. To everyone else, you look the same all the time. Ugly and fat every day. No, just kidding, for real you look fine.

3. For Girls: No pizza-toe shoes, ‘sexy’ written across your butt, or thongs.
For the Guys: No jeans with fake fade marks, ‘ice,’ or chest hair everywhere.
As Iskra says, “Dude, no.”

4. No cars.
Kids can’t drive and neither should you. Cars kill: the planet (the environment is big with kids, remember ‘Save the Whales,’ etc.), and people. Exceptions: Winter, road trips to California or South America and going out to the ’burbs (but really, why would you want to go there?)

5. Do-It-Yourself everything.
Easy enough when you’re talking about cool T-shirts and porn, DIY gets a little tricky when it’s the stuff that really matters, like your hair, slurpees, and fake transcripts. Sometimes the end result isn’t what you had hoped, but it’s almost always better than the alternative. And by making crap yourself rather than buying way uglier crap at the store you are not only securing yourself some much-needed cred (not me, you), you are also “sticking it to the man” (said in a Lawrence voice). However if you botch your bangs in the bathroom mirror and then extensively study a girl who has the exact bangs you wanted in the coffee shop the next day she will probably think you are checking out her boobs (girls always think that, which is why everyone hates them).

6. Use food colouring in everything.
Makes everything taste better.

7. Crazy-bad style.
Anybody can look back at their Grade 8 grad picture or home video circa 1991 and cringe, but it takes a special commitment to childlike hideousness to be able gag yourself off what you wore just last week. What we’re striving for here is the shortest possible time to elapse between thinking your outfit rules and looking back on it in shame. So basically your ultimate goal would be to get to the stage where you look in the mirror just before you leave the house and do that ‘wink-whilst-making-a- gun with-your-forefinger (and shooting your hot self’s reflection) while-simultaneously-making-that *clich clich* noise-with-your-mouth,’ and then seeing your reflection in a store window 30 seconds later and thinking “WTF am I wearing?”

8. Eating with your hands.
What’s good enough for monkeys is good enough for me. On a deeper level, you are rejecting the British notion of manners and thus the whole neocolonial tradition it represents.

9. Making fun of people in FRONT of their backs.
I guess I could have just said “in front of them,” Because no one seems to really say “in front of their backs.” Yeah, that defiantly would have made more sense. Anyways.
Making fun of someone behind their back is super low, which is why kids rarely do it. If it’s funny enough to diss them up about later, you should at least have the courtesy to let them know in what department they are currently sucking. Let’s save backstabbing and bitching for the bitter debutants and gossipy secretaries in mauve pants suits, shall we? You’ve got to have balls, quick wit and respect for someone to make fun of them while they’re standing right there. Don’t worry, most people are too dumb to even realize when they are being made fun of, but if you are lucky then they’ll make fun of you back and you can share another laugh. Heart warming.

10. Wetting your pants– by whatever means necessary.
I wrote this description just after I had pulled said prank and was a little juiced (yeah I know most kids don’t really like Dylan, but hippies use it all the time and they are pretty much one and the same (as children I mean, not Dylan, much as they would like to be). Kids pee their pants at the drop of a hat, but for us it’s (hopefully) going to take a little more effort. My favourite way is this stupid prank, created by the guru Veronica. “One of my favourites is the old ‘run up against the restaurant front window and then slide down it with a messed up face as if you were a fly that flew into the glass and is sliding dead down.’ …it has been done many times before, granted, but it just never gets old. When you do it you will wet your pants laughing b/c ppl. inside will be so confused and noodles and spinach will fall from yonder mouths…ahh .ha, like basically uncle sam is pointing at you now saying I!! WANT !!! YOU!!!!! TO WET YOUR PANTS LAUGHING!!!! and that is how you will do it. that right there is how you will wet your pants. running into a glass restaurant front window. it never gets old.” See? It never gets old. Says so right there.

11. A standard insult.
Every cool kid has a couple tried-and-true one liners that they can whip out in a time of need. If you’ve got a good one it’s cool to always use it, then it can become your trademark insult (or ‘diss’ if you will). This year mine is (condescending tone) “Don’t flatter yourself” (I’ve been using it with a lot of success since August), but please don’t steal it.

12. Dares and contests with your friends for every aspect of life.
Makes the fun stuff funner and the stuff you don’t wanna do… also funner.

13. Having missions.
“Just wow” (again, Iskra).

14. Secret handshakes and nicknames.
Because how are you gonna know who is your friend and who is the enemy without secret handshakes? Nicknames help identify your crew. Essential. (But nothing cutesie– then you’re talking to your juicy-clad baby in the back seat of your SUV as you drive to Pilates (or off a cliff– your choice). Also you can use them as identifiers to describe people who aren’t in your crew so everyone will know who you are talking about when you say “jean jacket guy,” the “arch nemesis” or “porn star girl.”

15. Obsessions.
Everybody has them, but some are nobler than others. For the mature females of the species I have observed common interests to include anything low-carb, various methods and degrees of hair removal in the groin area, taking a long time to get ready, and displaying their ‘empowerment’ by complaining about everything. For the dudes it’s more of the same, with the addition of fixation on their cars, clubbing, bragging about how much money they make, and their toys, which are usually TV remote controls with 376 buttons and PDAs with baby crocodile skin cases. (“You know boys and their toys,” their girlfriends will singsong). Fascinating… Anyways, everyone’s got to have stuff they’re into; just make sure yours are none of the above. If you are in need of some new interests, look to kids: rockets, egging, peeing everywhere, collecting bugs and the like really get them going. I’m pretty much into gypsies, pirates (or maybe I only want them for their treasure….hmmm), ‘When Timothy Goes to School,’ hitchhiking across the Americas, skateboarding, trickery, collecting fossils and tacky 80s T-shirts. I guess that about covers it.

16. Not using too many swears.
Once in a while to punctuate an especially passionate sentiment, to impress your friends every now and then or when something really bad happens, ok. But kids know if you use them too often you end up sounding like a stressed-out middle-ager. The reason that adults swear so much is because they think every time they have sex it could be their last, as they are old and may die at any time. They are right.

So there you have it. Now go forth and improve thyself.