Cassettes for Christmas

Cassettes for Christmas
by Dan-D-Roo
From Vol. 2 No. 4, 2003

I took my little foster brother Emmanuel out shopping on Boxing Day (idiot). We went to HMV (dummy). I figured I’d get him a tape of some good music (fool). I mustn’t have been to a music store recently— try and find tapes! The section they had was about 4 feet long! Try and find something good in a 4-foot section of music. Emmanuel reached out and grabbed NSync. Reflex made me hit him. But after thinking that it was for him and not me, I hit him again. He got me to buy it for him, and the thought of supporting those androgynous mannequins sprung that reflex again. I got him a Dixie Chicks tape as well. I’m not familiar with them, but I at least know they write and play their own music. I got Macy Gray for my wife Karen.
“WHAT?!! 48$?!! BUT THEY’RE TAPES!!”
“Sir, its 10$ for the Dixie Chicks, 14$ for Macy Gray and 18$ for NSync, plus tax.”(Emmanuel suffered my reflex again)
“You better enjoy this!”
(What the fuck am I saying?!!)
That’s marketing today eh? How do you sell someone on a pile of shit? Sell it to their kids! Voila, you and I just got screwed! It’s one thing to knowingly produce and sell crap, but then these toe-cheese motherfuckers have the balls to gouge us at the cash as well! 18$ for an hour of bimboys’ music? Those little shits! It’s enough to make you hand over your gift with a left hook – “take that, and Merry Christmas!”
Ahh the compromises we’ll make in the name of Jesus.
“In the name of Jesus Christ, son of our Lord God, I bequeath to you on the anniversary of his birth, this pile of shit. This is not just any ordinary pile of shit, one that you might expect to find bobbing in my throne, or one sitting on the sidewalk on your way to work asking for handouts for a cup of coffee. No, this pile of shit has value, great value! This pile of shit can consume indiscriminate minds; it can render those who gaze upon it mindless! Take heed when I tell you, if you just spent 18 fucking dollars on a pile of shit – you’ve already been caught by its spell!”
All the same, Emmanuel seemed pretty happy limping out of the store. I remain unsure as to whether I just got fucked by a marketing giant or whether the spirit of Christmas is just bursting out of me.